• Spoiler! We've all heard the great news about Matt Damon and Ben Affleck starring in a remake of Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. Well, close but no cigarillo: It's actually a sequel, picking up exactly where the original left off! That's right, get set for 97 solid minutes of the Good Will Hunkies spurting blood and screaming in agony as they're riddled with volley after volley of hot Bolivian lead. Cash-wads keep falling on their box office!
• Spoiler! Everybody's gums are a-flappin' about the return of 24 and Scowlin' Jack Bauer. Each season there's a mysterious baddie behind the day's big conspiracy, and this time it's the most insidious menace yet: Bauer's barber! The sinister stylist, fed up after five years of "You just have to trust me, I need these sideburns evened up NOW" and "Who are you clipping for???", has given our clock-watchin' cutie the most disturbing 'do ever and then put a plot in motion to make him run around in public a lot and get snickered at. The entire 11 a.m. hour is the CTU staff trying to talk to Jack without looking directly at his head!
• Spoiler! In defiance of all reason and logic, Big Momma's House 2 is actually pretty funny. You heard it here first!
• Spoiler! In Firewall, Harrison Ford plays a bank security expert who's forced to break through his own firewall (get it?) and steal $100 million for the bad guys who've kidnapped his family. The big twist is that the money belongs to... Steven Spielberg! The kooky kidnappers are sick of waiting for Indiana Jones 4, and Steve doesn't get the money back until he picks a goddamn script already. Unfortunately for them, $100 mil won't even cover the hirsute helmer's lunch tab!
• Spoiler! Vodka + green food coloring + empty Scope bottle = Mother needn't know!
• Spoiler! In the ellipsisriffic Rumor Has It..., Jennifer Aniston plays the daughter of the woman who Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate was based on! Did you get all that? And did you know... Ross, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler aren't in it? And that I had to look up their names on IMDb to make sure I got it right?

• Spoiler! I am so alone!
• Spoiler! In the final episode of The Shield, Vic Mackey's greatest enemy is revealed... himself! Literally. Halfway through the season, producer Shawn Ryan gets replaced by Star Trek pariah Brannon Braga, and the Farmington district is transformed into a bewildering netherscape of time-travel paradoxes and interdimensional folderol. If you thought anything in this paragraph was funny, you are a fat virgin!

"Surf" in next time for more of Jimmy Treacher's SPOILER SPACE! Or don't.