Here goes. I'll be taking a big blog all over it like I did with the Oscars: newest entry on top and then reverse chronological order, so that scrolling down is like getting younger and less bored. Click Refresh as needed, or don't.

I should also note up front that I haven't paid much attention to who's nominated, and I don't really care. I'm just looking at the show as spectacle.

Okay? Let's do this!

• Well, that was worth it.
• Outstanding Drama Series: 24? "Chloe, what the hell is going on" indeed. Look, nobody's a bigger 24 fan than me, except for that one guy who got the 24 clock tattooed on his forehead. But it's the dumbest show on TV! It's practically a reality show, it's so dumb.
• Outstanding Comedy Series: The Office. Can't argue with that. Gervais is in the audience, though, not onstage? Huh.
• Aw, they ruined the Newhart-in-an-airtight-container joke! But the "52% of the audience wanted you to live" joke was okay.
• Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series: Not Denis Leary. Kiefer is an awesome drunk, and I love 24, but that's just not right. Itzin should run up there and grab the Emmy from him.
• NICE MADSENS!! And I think Ray Liotta died about 10 minutes before he went onstage.
• Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus gets way more choked up than her show probably deserves, but avoids the Swank Curse.
• Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series: Hargitay. How come she never mentions her mom?
• Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie: Why couldn't Gillian Anderson win it? I didn't see whatever it was she was in, but she deserves it just for being in something other than X-Files. Come on! Well, the British lady said "ass over tit," so I guess it's worth it.
• Roll out the clips of dead folks. It's probably not cool to say it, but Buck Owens was really good.
• Outstanding Miniseries: Elizabeth I. I think she was like a queen or something? England. They're so cute.
• Nice Heigls.
• Outstanding Soul-Draining Garbage Reality/Competition Program: The Amazing Race. Let's hear it for white people! Wait, that's not what it's about? I think it actually is.
• Outstanding Made for Television Movie: The Girl in the Cafe? Did anybody see this? Whoever accepted the award thanked everybody for "joining in the fight against making poverty history." Glad to do my part.
• The original Charlie's Angels are up there, giving a geniunely touching tribute to Spelling. It would be heartless to say something snotty about it, so: One out of three ain't bad.
• Aaron Spelling tribute. Heather Locklear looks amazing, and Joan Collins' head appears to be home to an unkempt cocker spaniel. Rrrrowwrrr, phsssst!
• Candice Bergen looks... wow, I just can't even... what the hell, man.
• Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series: Shalhoub. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 2003. And wow, Steve Carell is sweating like a Treacher.
• Matthew Perry: "I despise the success of others."
• Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie: Andre Braugher! Wow, that's awesome. He was great on Thief, but I think more people are watching him in the auditorium now than watched that show. Good for him.
• Damn, how many more Tivo jokes? Did the dinosaurs make comet jokes?
• Colbert is trying to look happy for his friend and colleague on another win. Buying it? Me neither.
• They're trying to make another writing award interesting and it's only sort of working. I don't think you should be allowed to be nominated for an Emmy unless somebody at some point has masturbated to you.
• Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie: Jeremy Irons looks vaguely embarrassed.
• If Evangeline Lilly and Wentworth Miller made a baby right there on the stage, not only would it be awesome to watch, but I'll bet the kid would turn out to be pretty good-looking. Oh, and they presented some award, and the guy who played the nerd on Brisco County came out and stood next to them for some reason and reduced the attractiveness quotient by 33%. Or is it 50%? I suck at math. Anyway, some writers got awards, I think. Writers. Whatever.
• Outstanding Individual Performance in a Comedy, Variety, or Music Program: Okay, all that work he's had done, and yet Manilow kept the nose? Get off the stage. Get off the stage.
• Rip Taylor Barry Manilow sounds great!
• Why would you have Simon Cowell introduce a tribute to Dick Clark? That's like a tribute to Johnny Carson being introduced by Hitler.
• Cloris Leachman is, what, 80? I would. Just saw Sky High and she was funny in that. Okay, so this begins the stretch of awards nobody cares about, so I'm gonna go take a squeege. (And I just rewinded the Tivo to see what I missed, and Leachman totally shook her titties at the crowd. I would.
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is talking. I think. Them's niiiiiiice.
• Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series: The Bush Stinks Show (the one with Jon Stewart, not the one with Stephen Colbert or the one with Bill Maher).
• Wow, I think Jeffrey Tambor gave all his weight to Candice Bergen.
• Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie: I have no idea, even after they said it, because I have a penis. She sounds foreign, though.
• Christopher Meloni on a Segway was the name of my techno band in the mid-'90s. Which was weird, because the Segway wasn't even invented yet and I had no idea who he was.
• If the show goes over 3 hours, Bob Newhart dies. Which stinks, because I just found out he's alive.
• Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: Piven and his ascot and his storebought follices and a fluffer joke. He seems like a really great guy.
• Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series: Apple's grandma! And she sounds bombed or something. GOTS 2.
• Whoops! They cut off Conan's joke to give Martin and Charlie Sheen more time to make everybody squirm.
• Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series: Not Gregory Itzin.
• Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is apparently immortal.
• Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: Megan Mullally tries to get serious and they hit her with the "Get Off the Stage" music. Let that be a lesson to you, all subsequent winners.
• So Jason Lee walks around with that mustache HOLY CRAP IS THAT CANDICE BERGEN???
• This is why I always fast-forward through Conan's monologue. Is he going to go to the desk piece soon?
• Oh, those nutty pedophiles!
• Holy crap, this is the most awesome thing ever. Could they just do "Conan messes up every show on TV" for 3 hours?
• The Lostffice?